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As a result of my life of humiliation I have become at the very least rather quirky about sex. Rather than becoming resentful of men who are better able please my lover, I have grown to be fascinated by the idea of someone I love being pleased in a way that I cannot provide.
I have found that my penis is not tiny, just a little smaller than average. I am 5&1/2" long and 4&1/2" around. Both measurements are only slightly below average for white men. Ive just been unlucky as to how big the guys around me are. My childhood best friend was over 8", I know this because he used to use his moms measuring tape and try to measure it in front of every one. He is also the one who nailed my first girlfriend.
My next girlfriend also left me for a guy who had reputation at school for being hung.
Jenny only had 3 boyfriends before me, and they were all between6'1" and 6'4". I guess taller guys have taller dick because she claims the guy who was smallest among these had a 9" dick.
Are guys in general more hung than it is widely though, or am I just unlucky? I am pretty sure I am just unlucky. I suppose luck doesn't have much to do with my premature ejaculation.
More later.......

Back to the future

Before Jenny, many factors help to encourage my budding inadequacy. On one occasion I can remember being part of a group of young men who had taken a brake from football to pee behind a garage. As we were in the act urinating, one boy looked over at me and proclaimed "look his dick is the smallest". From that point on it became common knowledge to my entire circle of friends,male and female, that I had a small dick. Of course, from then on I avoided any situation were I might be exposed.
Later at about 13 I got my first real girlfriend. We pretty much only saw each other at school, but did get together away from school a few times,and did ever have sex twice. The summer after that school year I was surprised to find that my neighbour and best friends mom was good friends with my girl Friends mother. This was good for me because my girl friends parents were going to leave her at my friends house for a week and a half while on vacation. The first day she was there she and I had sex in a local park. Of course i only lasted seconds and had no idea otherwise how to please her. As it turns out, her and my best friend had sex over and over all night that night. I had no idea about this until after she left, but for the rest of the week she pretty much ignored me. Later that summer we talked on the phone and she told me the whole story in graphic detail, however, Between what she told me and what he later told me I have just kind of put both of there stories together.Long story short, she opened her eyes to see my friend standing at her bed with his pants open and his sizable erection right at eye level. He asked her if she had ever seen one that big and then pushed it close to her mouth. According to her she never said a word, she just took it in her mouth, then after only a few seconds he pulled up her night shit and removed her panties. Both of them agreed that it took a few minutes to get him into her because she was tight and well he has a big dick. She said he lasted longer than me but only a couple of min, but after he was done she went to the bath room and when she came back he was still on her bed and he was hard again already. She told me they did it 4 times and he came inside her all four times. He told me that they had sex more than 4 times and he never came in her. He also said that the sun was coming up when he went back to his room.
In any event, She and I didn't date again until the eighth grade and that only lasted a month or so.
My next girlfriend of note was in the 10th grade. We dated for a few months. Finally one night she let me in her pants. She was a virgin and even for me she was soooo tight. I'm sure she was pretty nervous and she was dry as a bone. It didn't help I had no idea about how to get her wet or never thought to lube her up. I was finally able to get into her, and after about 3 pumps she started to get a little wet. As I felt the first drops of wetness I pulled out and came all over her stomach. We only dated about another week. Her very next boyfriend had sex with her a couple of weeks later and she ended up at the emergency room, because of the bleeding. It seems when I penetrated her I didn't even break her hymen. When her new boyfriend fucked her he broke it immediately and she bled for some time before going to the hospital. Going to the hospital because someone popped your cherry is pretty embarrassing but not as much as your friends finding out you fucked her first and didn't.
I had only 1 steady girlfriend after that and I never fucked her for more that 5min. After 6mo she left me for an older guy. She never commented on the size of his dick, but she did tell a mutual friend the sex was a lot better with him.
After her my sex life was just a long series of embarrassing 1 night stands, until I met jenny.
More later.......

Back to the future

Up to date.

Recently I have found that Jenny has a My space that she has never told me about. Frankly the fact that we have been very open with each other for some time now and I did not know about this made me curious. After further investigation I found that Jenny was emailing with the boyfriend she had at the time of our divorce. To further compound this problem,when confronted Jenny claimed that she had only responded to his emails that she did not initiate the emails. Also she claimed that they had only send the occasional joke to one another. How ever, The history of emails showed that she sent the first email and the emails were of a more personal nature. I explained to her that I am not upset that she was talking to him, but it is upsetting that she was hiding it. I explained that if she would have only been upfront I would have not objected. Also I told her I would support her no matter what as long as we were just honest with each other. I understand that she really liked this guy and by her account the sex was allot better with him, so I told her even if she wanted to have sex with him it would be OK as long as she was upfront about it. What was interesting was that she never told me if that was what she wanted, but she immediately sent an email that I had found out that they were writing each other and I was not happy.She also included that I had said it was OK if they had sex. After witch when I asked her about this she closed the my space account,changed her email and has been uninterested in speaking about the matter.
She insists I am the only man she has ever loved. I have made no further attempt to check if she is still emailing the X. Honestly I just want her to be happy. I she wanted to go to him I would let her with out a fight. If she just needed to get some good sex for a change,as long as she let me know, I would make the motel reservation for her. Our communication is much better than 10 years ago,but it seems we are still not talking enough. This summer her sister is getting married and Jenny is flying down for a week. I am pretty sure the X will be one of the invitees to the wedding so we should count on some more drama this summer. In all honesty if Jenny told me today that her week vacation was going to be a sex fest with her X I would be fine,I would even be pretty turned on because I love her and I would be glad she is getting what she wants. Like I said I have fantasies about her fucking other men anyway,so my only regret would not being able to see it. I just don't want to find out it happened 6 mo later, there is something about hiding things that bothers me. More later........

humilliation continued

So Jenny and I began trying to work things out. We moved 800 miles away and stared over. It began with both of us pledging to change. We would talk more and try not to have secrets. I soon learned that Jenny had been molested as a child by many people. Also that her first boyfriend had used her as a sex slave. He tortured her with long sessions of anal sex,made worse by the fact that his manhood was in her words "much larger than mine." Also he would stuff her vagina with ice cubes then force himself inside her. Not least he had unbelievable stamina and would do her until she was dry and sore and then continue until she was in tears. She did also recount that she had her first ever orgasm with him and when he was genital he was not a good but a great lover.Jenny also admitted that some of the sex she had with him was nothing less than phenomenal and never equalled by any other man she had had.
As we began to talk more with each other she confided that of the three long term relationships she had before me, all three men where at least 9" or longer. She knew the smallest of the three was a little over 9" because he had her measure it, but she said one other was about the same length but thicker and the third was noticably longer and thicker yet. She told me this in the same conversation that she admitted that "the bigger ones feel better". As one of the things she wanted me to try and work on she asked that I try to last longer durring sex. This followed an admission that I was by far the quickest to cum of any man she had ever done.
Since this time Jenny has allowed me into her vagina 3, 4 ,somtimes 5 times a week,and our sex life has been much better. I have found that I will never be able to get her off with my penis,but she seems ok with me getting her off before the intercourse useing my mouth or fingres. I still have a very hard time with getting off very quickly. Some nights its still less than a minute, but somtimes I have gone 15-20 min. I have gone much longer,but I have to start and stop alot and pull my dick out of her for a few sec then put it back in.However starting and stopping really ruins it for her.
In turn she has accepted me watching porn. She knows that I fantasize about other men especialy black men fucking her. She will occationally watch porn with me. She has not only started giving me blow jobs,but she lets me get off in her mouth once in a while. Mabey every other month or so she will ask if id like to do her ass. So needless to say I am pretty happy with the sex I am getting. However,when you know somebody as long and as well as we know each other, some times I can just tell she would like me to give her a little more than I am able to.
It seems like I always blow my load right when she wants me to go faster and harder. We have tried alot of tecniques but I 90% of the time after 1or2 min im gona cum. Even if I ware 2 rubbers. More next post....

inadequacy of a sex life

Hello, I am a 35 year old male living in Wisconsin. This blog will be dedicated to my relationship with my current girlfriend,who is also my Xwife",and my ongoing sexuall inadequacy. While the roots of my anguish go back to my childhood,we will begin with my xwife.
We met in 1992, and immediatly began dating. To make things easier we will refer to my Xwife as Jenny. Our relationship was immediatly complicated by the fact that her Xboyfriend was also her stepbrother of 6months.
After our first date, we returned to her parents house and spent the evening watching T.V.
After everyone had gone to bed," or so we thought", we made love for the first time. Embarassing is an understatement as I was only able to go for about 15 seconds. Jenny none the less showed no outward disappointmnet. I later discovered that Jennys' 16 year old sister(Jill),who slept on the love seat across the room, was awake and very aware of what had happened. Jill was all to eager to tell Jennys X and many of my friends about my performance.
Sex for us over the next six months was frequent, but unless we had sex more than 2 times in a night my hang time still never was over 2min. Through six months I never was able to get her off.
After six months of dateing, we were married. Although I soon after discovered her clitorus, it was still months before I was able to get her off.
Soon after marrage a failed pregnancy brought an end to sex as we knew it. We went from 5- 10 times a week to once every 2 or three weeks. While we were doing it often I had worked my way up to 4 or somtimes 5 min before cumming.
After the sex started happening less often, I regressed and began lasting between 30 sec and 2min again.
About this time Jennys X had began telling people that he and Jenny had been involved again, and that the main reason was that I couldn't get her off and my penis was very small. There wasn't much to argue on my part since I certainly was not able to get her off and my penis is small(5&1/2") long. So, ignored the rumors and did not speak to Jenny about it.
As time wore on I began to see the sex I was not getting at home from other places. I began to look at pornography and masterbate as much as 5 times a day.While viewing the porno I realized that I never saw a penis as small as mine in the movies or mags. From this point forward, I began to obsess over my penis size. I was drawn to porn that showed well endowed men with women. Or women that b-rated or belittled men with small ones. This went on for a few years and since Jenny did not approve of porn I was continually having to lie about it.
In the late 90's I discovered the magic of the internet. On the internet I found an almost unlimited supply of porn.
I also discovered that When you look for porn with men that have large members, that you will see a lot of black men. Until this point I did not know that black men were generally bigger than white. After This I began to fantasize about Jenny ,who had now ballooned to 185lb, having sex with black men. Since she did not approve of porn I was pretty sure she would not get with a black guy for me. Also being a blond southern belle and having a father that had in his youth been a klan member, I knew she would not go for it.
Still, 7years into the marage Jenny had never gotten off during intercourse.
7 years in I finally met a woman who seemed to understand me. We can call her Amy. Amy enjoyed porn.Amy never seemed to get enough sex. Amy listened to my fantasies and was turned on to hear them. We liked the same music,foods,and almost everthing else.
So in 1999 I told Jenny I wanted a devorce. However , I could never get past the fact that dispite all of our problems I still loved Jenny. For months I stayed with Amy. I rationalized that I was only hurting Jenny when I was with her. Finally after months of torment made an attempt to reconsile with Jenny. However, by this time she had began to date again. Her new interest was everything I am not tall, handsome, well off,and as I found out later hung in a big way. I had suspected this after the first time we had sex due to her vagina being streched out to the point that I was getting almost no stimulation from entering her. She immediatly showed interest in getting back with me, but within days she began to second guess and within a week she was back with the new boyfriend.
Jan 2000 our devorce was final, and soon after Jenny told me that she was pregnant by her new lover.
Also, she told me that she wanted to get back together with me and try to make things work. But more on that later......................